Everyone thinks I'm vain. They think that I think that I'm good at everything (most likely because they think the same too). But I have bad news. There are certain activities and specificities that make me look...well...more like you. So for the Christmas (not HOLIDAY!) season I will do something I'm not very good at: admit that I'm more or less average in certain aspects of my life. The following are the areas I struggle with:
Losing: The saying goes, 'practice makes perfect.' Well I don't have much practice in losing. It's hard for me to do because it takes even more effort than winning. It doesn't matter whether it's a sporting event, board game, or just some competitive eating contest. When some regular person is my competition the result is an inevitably victory. In the rare case that I do lose (usually by choice), I'm at odds at how to react. Do I congratulate the winner? Or do I cry? I really don't know...good thing those awkward moments are rare.
Soccer: For some stupid reason soccer (don't call it futbol) is gaining popularity. This is bad news for me because I'm an awful futboler. I'm sure that I'd be great if I wanted to, but why? Who wants to run around acting like he/she's having fun? The alleged sport is about as unexciting as it looks. For ninety minutes two teams pretend to strategically score as few goals as possible and then the fans follow suit by masquerading as rioters in Watts. And they call Europe civilized...
Drawing: I can't draw. I can barely trace. But who cares? We have cameras now.
Folding Clothes: Once upon a time I worked at Hollister. My main job was folding jeans in four different ways. I quit after one shift. Today I wish I knew how to fold anything. It's okay though because I married this person and it's one of her strengths.
Meeting Other Couples: I am not one who excels at being fake, or disingenuous. Unfortunately those are the two prerequisites for successful encounters with couples that are not immediate friends. I'm usually confused about whether or not I should go for a hug or handshake (If either of them go for a cheek kiss or pound I immediately vacate the county). The worst part is that the two humans rarely talk to me or about me. I then have to ask about their boring lives in hopes that they return the favor. And then once they discover me it's a minimum of three straight hours of my stories and experiences. Shoot me now....
Other things I am not best at: Dealing with bros, eating sushi, dropping the ball, and taking a backseat.
Friday, December 24, 2010
Friday, December 3, 2010
Scissors and Aqua Net
I was in the middle of my first of three 100 push-up sets when I was approached by a stocky fellow. As I got ready to shake his hand and explain that I had little time for autographs he blurted, "I like your hair. What do you do?"
I've received that compliment a lot, but never has anyone asked how it's done. So I answered the dullard, "Scissors and Aqua Net." I then told him to make like his hair and split (get it?). However, the idiot got me to thinking... how is it that guys and gals can dish out Hamiltons for hair. It grows naturally (if it doesn't please visit Bosley). Why spend hundreds of dollars annually on haircuts and gel/mousse when all one needs is a standard set of scissors and a canister of Aqua Net.
Seriously, walk through the 'beauty' section (which is ironically littered with oversized and unalluring characters) and gander at the amount of product that promises beautiful hair. Will the Vidal Sassoon trick anyone into thinking you're anything but a ginger? Do you really think that Mousse will make your grade-school bangs look any better? (also a woman of your stature should avoid products that so easily conjure up images of large mammals.)
The truth is that you can't buy beauty (ask Heidi Montag) nor can you get beautiful hair from creams, shampoos, conditioners, or annoying stylists. "But Mr. Chris Mr. Chris! I am confused...what do you do?"
I thought we went over this already. Scissors cut hair. If you cut your own hair (which I do) you can save money (some haircuts can cost thousands! See: idiot haircut). Not to mention you can bypass the the health risks involved from breathing in beauty salon chemicals. Best of all you don't have to sit through stories from the stylist/barber; those are the worst. (Unless you're black. I've always wanted to talk turkey and fried chicken while getting my fade fixed)
Next purchase Aqua Net (I prefer unscented). A can runs about 2.99 at your local grocer. With those two items you can be the bell of the ball and save enough money for a splurge at Applebees.
"But what about the environmental effects of aerosol cans? You're killing the Earth!" Again, your idiocy is revolting. Now let's consider the effect you halfwit hair mongers have. First of all I wash my hair with shampoo about once every four months. One bottle of V05 lasts me about 5 years. Secondly, I NEVER use conditioner or dye my hair. The negative effects from the bottles and boxes your poodle perm requires far outweigh the the minimal effects that stems from a few sprays of Aqua Net. Also, I have no use of hairdryers, straighteners, crimpers, or curlers; therefore I use FAR less energy than you.
So there we have it...I save money, the environment, and time while the masses continue to buy into the commercials that promise (but don't deliver) beauty. Take a look in the mirror and then look at me. I win every time.
(Sea weed is also an inexpensive way to get great hair...not to mention it is environmentally friendly)
I've received that compliment a lot, but never has anyone asked how it's done. So I answered the dullard, "Scissors and Aqua Net." I then told him to make like his hair and split (get it?). However, the idiot got me to thinking... how is it that guys and gals can dish out Hamiltons for hair. It grows naturally (if it doesn't please visit Bosley). Why spend hundreds of dollars annually on haircuts and gel/mousse when all one needs is a standard set of scissors and a canister of Aqua Net.
Seriously, walk through the 'beauty' section (which is ironically littered with oversized and unalluring characters) and gander at the amount of product that promises beautiful hair. Will the Vidal Sassoon trick anyone into thinking you're anything but a ginger? Do you really think that Mousse will make your grade-school bangs look any better? (also a woman of your stature should avoid products that so easily conjure up images of large mammals.)
The truth is that you can't buy beauty (ask Heidi Montag) nor can you get beautiful hair from creams, shampoos, conditioners, or annoying stylists. "But Mr. Chris Mr. Chris! I am confused...what do you do?"
I thought we went over this already. Scissors cut hair. If you cut your own hair (which I do) you can save money (some haircuts can cost thousands! See: idiot haircut). Not to mention you can bypass the the health risks involved from breathing in beauty salon chemicals. Best of all you don't have to sit through stories from the stylist/barber; those are the worst. (Unless you're black. I've always wanted to talk turkey and fried chicken while getting my fade fixed)
Next purchase Aqua Net (I prefer unscented). A can runs about 2.99 at your local grocer. With those two items you can be the bell of the ball and save enough money for a splurge at Applebees.
"But what about the environmental effects of aerosol cans? You're killing the Earth!" Again, your idiocy is revolting. Now let's consider the effect you halfwit hair mongers have. First of all I wash my hair with shampoo about once every four months. One bottle of V05 lasts me about 5 years. Secondly, I NEVER use conditioner or dye my hair. The negative effects from the bottles and boxes your poodle perm requires far outweigh the the minimal effects that stems from a few sprays of Aqua Net. Also, I have no use of hairdryers, straighteners, crimpers, or curlers; therefore I use FAR less energy than you.
So there we have it...I save money, the environment, and time while the masses continue to buy into the commercials that promise (but don't deliver) beauty. Take a look in the mirror and then look at me. I win every time.
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