Scissors and Aqua Net

I was in the middle of my first of three 100 push-up sets when I was approached by a stocky fellow.  As I got ready to shake his hand and explain that I had little time for autographs he blurted, "I like your hair.  What do you do?"

I've received that compliment a lot, but never has anyone asked how it's done.  So I answered the dullard, "Scissors and Aqua Net."  I then told him to make like his hair and split (get it?).  However, the idiot got me to thinking... how is it that guys and gals can dish out Hamiltons for hair.  It grows naturally (if it doesn't please visit Bosley). Why spend hundreds of dollars annually on haircuts and gel/mousse when all one needs is a standard set of scissors and a canister of Aqua Net.

Seriously, walk through the 'beauty' section (which is ironically littered with oversized and unalluring characters) and gander at the amount of product that promises beautiful hair.  Will the Vidal Sassoon trick anyone into thinking you're anything but a ginger?  Do you really think that Mousse will make your grade-school bangs look any better? (also a woman of your stature should avoid products that so easily conjure up images of large mammals.)

The truth is that you can't buy beauty (ask Heidi Montag) nor can you get beautiful hair from creams, shampoos, conditioners, or annoying stylists.  "But Mr. Chris Mr. Chris! I am confused...what do you do?"

I thought we went over this already.  Scissors cut hair.  If you cut your own hair (which I do) you can save money (some haircuts can cost thousands!  See: idiot haircut).  Not to mention you can bypass the the health risks involved from breathing in beauty salon chemicals.  Best of all you don't have to sit through stories from the stylist/barber; those are the worst.  (Unless you're black.  I've always wanted to talk turkey and fried chicken while getting my fade fixed)

Next purchase Aqua Net (I prefer unscented).  A can runs about 2.99 at your local grocer.  With those two items you can be the bell of the ball and save enough money for a splurge at Applebees.

"But what about the environmental effects of aerosol cans?  You're killing the Earth!"  Again, your idiocy is revolting. Now let's consider the effect you halfwit hair mongers have.  First of all I wash my hair with shampoo about once every four months.  One bottle of V05 lasts me about 5 years.  Secondly, I NEVER use conditioner or dye my hair.  The negative effects from the bottles and boxes your poodle perm requires far outweigh the the minimal effects that stems from a few sprays of Aqua Net.  Also, I have no use of hairdryers, straighteners, crimpers, or curlers; therefore I use FAR less energy than you.

So there we have it...I save money, the environment, and time while the masses continue to buy into the commercials that promise (but don't deliver) beauty.  Take a look in the mirror and then look at me.  I win every time.

(Sea weed is also an inexpensive way to get great hair...not to mention it is environmentally friendly)